I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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