In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
