That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
