So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
