How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
