I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Someone came in the potted fern
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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