dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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