Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
