Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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