There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
