then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
