we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
