clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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