is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
