Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
