I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
