I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
