Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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