What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
