I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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