kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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