1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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