God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
