Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
