I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
