What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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