the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
