he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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