I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
