two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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