Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize