Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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