I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
