he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
