considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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