Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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