He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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