I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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