last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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