she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
