First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
