if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
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