I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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