you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
