my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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