i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
