My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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