I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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