and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize