omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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