Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
