Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
