2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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