Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
