i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
