I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
