Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
