Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
