his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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