So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
