I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
