I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
